Real Or No Real?

I very rarely remember my dreams, whatever that says about my psychological state. However I vividly remembered the one I had last night.

Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Noel Edmonds: So, which box are you going to open first?
Me: Hmmm, number ... 5, please Noel.
Noel Edmonds: Ooh an interesting choice.
Me: Not really, it was random.
Noel Edmonds: Good, good. A sensible early strategy.
Me: What do you mean, 'strategy'?
Noel Edmonds: You must have a strategy? Anyway let's see what that box contained...
Carol: 50p Noel.
Noel Edmonds: Thanks Carol. Oh excellent, very well played. Which box do you want next?
Me: Well played what? I just chose at random. But ok, next I will have...
Noel Edmonds: Let's find out after these adverts!
...
Noel Edmonds: So, you had a good opening game there. Very similar technique to Ken from Swindon a few weeks ago.
Me: I haven't got a technique, it's all just chance.
Noel Edmonds: No, it's ... look, just pick another bloody box will you.
Me: I was going to, before the adverts. I'll have 12.
Noel Edmonds: Right, so number 12. Adrian, please tell us what's...
Me: Then 8, then 1, then 13. And 7.
Noel Edmonds: What? No, you can't...
Me: Then 6.
Noel Edmonds: You're not supposed to...
Me: Then I'll choose to deal when the banker calls, and I'll take my cheque thanks very much.
Noel Edmonds: If you're going to be like that, you can get off my show. Go on...
Me: What, you're barring me from Deal Or No Deal? Ha ha, that's one to tell the lads in the pub...
Noel Edmonds: Go on, GET OUT!
Me: Box number 84 please Noel!

Old Boiler

For once I woke up early today, so I didn't have to rush round in the morning before leaving the house. However, as I was soon to discover, I could just as well have slept some more.

Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Me: Well, time to get up. I'll go and have a shower first then have a cup of tea.
Hot Water Boiler: I don't think so mate.
Me: What?
Hot Water Boiler: I said, I don't think so. You won't be having a shower today. Unless you like cold water! Ha ha.
Me: Oh you're kidding.
Hot Water Boiler: I most definitely am not kidding. Heh heh.
Me: Great. Thanks a lot.
Hot Water Boiler: Yeah, well you should have checked your gas bottle shouldn't you?
Me: There's no indicator on it. And besides, it usually lasts 6 weeks. I reckon I've got another week yet. I'll try shaking the bottle...
Hot Water Boiler: Yes, because that always works doesn't it? Anyway, if you didn't waste so much gas by having showers and boiling eggs or whatever, you'd still have plenty left.
Me: What, if I didn't use any gas, you mean?
Hot Water Boiler: It's the best way to make it last!
Me: That's very constructive. Looks like I'd better fill the kettle...

(Election) Night Fever

It was difficult to find any news about this subject, but I have been led to believe that various election campaings are currently underway in the UK, culminating in some intense swingometer analysis on 6th May. I can just imagine the various exchanges in the nations debating houses (pubs).

Here's how the conversations aren't going (but aren't far off)...

Man in the Pub: I'll tell you this for free - it won't make any difference who gets in, the next lot'll be just the same.
Everybody Else: Why would I pay for your opinion anyway?
Man in the Pub: Look, all I'm saying is... oh hey look, some canvassers.
Red Man: We're the party of change. Vote for change.
Blue Man: We're the party of change. Vote for change.
Yellow Man: We're the party of change. Vote for change.
Man in the Pub: But what if I don't want things to change?
Any Elected Government: Get back to your work, prole.

Paraffin Lamp .com

Whilst out and about today I saw a chap who could, if you were the judgemental type, be described as 'looking like a tramp'. However he had something in his possession which you wouldn't normally expect.

Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Man: Excuse me, you couldn't credit my PayPal account with 10p for a cup of tea could you mate?
Me: What?
Man: I've been on the road a few days now, I just need some change to put towards a cup of tea.
Me: Is that... is that a laptop?
Man: Well, a netbook, but yes. What of it?
Me: Don't use that word 'netbook' please. Is that a USB 3G stick too?
Man: Obviously. How else would I check my balance? Are you going to credit my PayPal account or what?
Me: Even if I do, how on earth are you going to buy this 'cup of tea'? If that's what you're really after.
Man: It is actually, I'm parched. I just need 10p more then I can order online with Starbucks. They deliver to this area, pretty quickly usually. You should try it.
Me: Tramps were different in my day.
Man: Erm, if you don't mind, we like to be called 'gentlemen of reduced residential status'.
Me: Honestly, I...
Man: Sorry, I've got to go. I have a Skype call coming in ...

Mynydd neu Bryn

Over the weekend I helped a friend of mine with her learning of the English language, by watching a film. Since the film was mostly dialogue anyway, I have bravely taken it upon myself to summarise it.

Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Hugh Grant: Erm, err... gosh, we've come to err... measure your hill here.
Barman: Brilliant, but it's a mountain rather than a hill. Us Welsh people value our mountains quite dearly.
Hugh Grant: Well err, erm... let's see about that shall we.
The Other Cartographer: If it's over 1,000 feet then it's a mountain. Let's go and measure it.
...
Hugh Grant: Erm, err... gosh, it's a ... hill.
The Priest: A hill?
The Other Cartographer: Yes. So we're off.
...
All The Villagers: We've put a load of mud on top of the hill, thus making it higher than 1000 feet.
Hugh Grant: Erm, gosh... turns out you're right.
Mandatory Love Interest: Great. Let's get married.
The Priest: Don't spoil the plot now, will you?
All The Villagers: Well the outcome is implicit in the title, but we didn't tell everything now, did we?
The Priest: Fair enough.

Episode IV: A New Hope

For cost and simplicity reasons, I finally decided to get myself a Spanish mobile phone contract. My existing UK contract is pretty good, considering I use it mainly abroad but, as politicians enjoy repeating ad nauseum, it was time for change.

This wasn't a simple process. Although this is based on facts, here's how the conversation didn't go...

Me: Hi Telefonica, I'd like a phone please.
Telefonica: Great. Have you got your bank details and official foreigner certificate?
Me: Yep, I've got those. I already have a contract with you remember, for the USB 3G stick.
Telefonica: Oh right yeah, of course. Well, which phone would you like?
Me: I quite like this one.
Telefonica: Good choice. Well, let's get your details entered into the computer then shall we?
Me: Good stuff.
Telefonica: OK... that's the first lot done and ... next, that's OK now ... oh wait a second.
Me: What?
Telefonica: Computer says no.
Me: Oh really? Does it say why?
Telefonica: No it doesn't tell me, you need to call Telefonica.
Me: But you're Telefonica.
Telefonica: Yes but we're just the shop, you need to call the head office. They'll sort you out.
...
Me: Hi Telefonica, I was told by Telefonica that I need to call you? I can't have a new mobile for some reason.
Telefonica: OK just bear with me a sec... yes it looks like you need to give us a returnable deposit for the handset, in case you run away.
Me: Fair enough. You could have told me in the shop...
...
Me: Right. I've called Telefonica and sorted that out and transferred the deposit this morning. I use the same bank as you, so it'll be in your account now.
Telefonica: That may be so, but it takes us 48 hours to process. Come back on Wednesday.
...
Me: Right. It's Wednesday. Can I have my phone please?
Telefonica: Certainly, just let me enter your details into the ... oh heck.
Me: WHAT? What's wrong now?
Telefonica: The computer's not working.
Me: Oh for...
Telefonica: Hey there's no need for that kind of language. I can call Telefonica and sort it out that way.
...
Telefonica: OK that's all done, here's your phone.
Me: Finally. Thanks!

Out of Order

As is normal during my working day, mainly due to the copious amount of tea that I drink, this afternoon I found myself needing to answer the call of nature. So off I went to the toilet as normal, however all was not as it should have been. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Sign: Sorry, these toilets are out of order.
Me: That's well out of order.
Sign: That joke is out of order.

Bed Head

Today was my first day back at work after a four day weekend break for Easter. As you can imagine, it was pretty tricky getting up at 'normal' time after several days of getting up when I felt like it. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Alarm Clock: HEY! WAKE UP!
Me: Ufff, do I have to?
Alarm Clock: OK 5 more minutes.
...
Alarm Clock: HEY! WAKE UP!
Me: Ufff, just 5 more minutes?
Alarm Clock: Alright, but no more.
...
Alarm Clock: HEY! WAKE UP!
Me: OK OK, I'm getting up.
Bed: Where do you think you're going?
Me: It's time to get up.
Bed: I don't think so mister. You've only been here 8 hours.
Me: Well, it is quite comfortable here.
Bed: Good thinking. Why do you even need to get up at all?
Me: What?
Bed: I mean, you're looking a bit ... 'ill', if you get me?
Me: I can't, I ... erm
Alarm Clock: No, you definitely can't do that. And besides, don't you think it will look suspicious if you call in sick the first day back after the holidays?
Me: He's got a point.
Bed: Whatever. OK go to work, see if I care. But don't complain to me when you're tired later.
Me: Don't be like that. Anyway, I'm getting up. I'll see you later?
Bed: [grumbles]
Me: What was that?
Bed: I said "have a nice day at work."
Me: Actually ... Maybe I'll just wait for this song to finish playing, then I'll get up...

A Hard Day's Fight

Today was the last holiday day of easter and my last chance to some housework in daylight hours, until next weekend. As you can imagine, I was somewhat lacking in enthusiasm. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Me: Right, it's a nice day. I'm going to get some of these jobs done.
Laundry Basket: Ooh, me first. It's getting a bit full in here you know. Socks don't wash themselves.
Floor: Don't forget me! I'm covered in dust. You always forget about that.
My Good Conscience: It's true, you do forget. Put the washing on, give the floor a once over with the mop and then it's all done.
My Bad Conscience: Or how about you don't do any of it? It's still early, you can go back to bed for a bit.
Me: That's a good point, it is only 10am and I have the rest of the day.
Bathroom Sink: But make sure you leave plenty of time to clean in here, OK?
Me: I will, you only take 5 minutes.
My Bad Conscience: That means you still have time for a kip. Or a beer..
Me: Hmm, beer you say?
My Bad Conscience: Yes, there's one bottle left in the fridge. Drink that, then you can take the rubbish out or clean the fridge or whatever. Or not.
My Good Conscience: Erm, excuse me? What's all this talk of beer?
Me: He presents a very valid argument. I'm fairly sure that a beer will help me with this work too.
Kitchen Worktop: Well, if you're in here for a beer then you can clean all these flamin' crumbs up. I don't even like cookies.
Me: I said I'd clean it up, alright? It was only last night that I made that mess.
Kitchen Worktop: And did beer have anything to do with that?
Me: Maybe. I was a bit ... Look, I shouldn't have to explain myself to you lot. In fact, yes. I'm going to have this beer.
My Bad Conscience: He he.
My Good Conscience: Go on then. In fact, I think there are some more in the cupboard, let's get those chilling in the fridge...

Black Laptop, White Noise

Just before settling to another episode of Fringe this evening, I had another little chat with my work laptop due to the fact that my regular MacBook was at somebody else's house. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Me: Hey Vista, do you fancy watching another episode of Fringe?
Vista: Yeah great, I can't wait to see what Walter is up to this time.
Me: Good stuff, just let me get my headphones...
...
Me: Ok here we go, I'll just plug these ... in ... here, there we go.
Vista: Ssssssssssssssss
Me: What?
Vista: I said, "Ssssssssssssssss"
Me: That's what I thought you said. What's that supposed to mean?
Vista: Well, duh. You've just plugged the headphones in, so that must mean you want to hear something through them?
Me: Yes, but not just that static hissing noise.
Vista: But we haven't started watching Fringe yet, so there's no other noise. I thought you might like to hear "Ssssssssssssssss" instead? No?
Me: Why would I ... oh, you know what - forget it. I'm going to sleep...

Easter

Spring has sprung, the clocks have changed and it's time for Easter. Since this is my first Easter in another country, I thought I'd ask somebody about some of the cultural differences that I might expect to find. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Me: Great, it's Easter! That means chocolate and shopping, right?
Spain: No way, those are UK 'traditions'. It's different here.
Me: So I won't get any chocolate on Sunday?
Spain: Listen. You may have noticed that all week, there have been plenty of processions with huge floats? Well each local church here has their own procession and you can see them going around the streets each evening. It's important to us here so people put a lot of effort into it.
Me: Ah yes I did see them actually, they were quite something. The ones last night were very impressive.
Spain: Indeed. And did you see all the people in pointy hats?
Me: The ones carrying candles? Yeah they were great too. Do they give out the chocolate?
Spain: Of course not. Why don't you go and check out some more processions this evening?
Me: I think I will. But when do I get my chocolate?
Spain: I give up.

New Place, Old Face

Yesterday I discovered a new place and bumped into an old friend at the same time. We had a lot of catching up to do. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Me: Hmm, I haven't seen this place before. I wonder what's in there.
Ruiz Galan supermarket: Why don't you come inside and take a look? You'll find all your usual things that you like.
Me: Yes I think I will take a look.
...
Alhambra beer: Hey, how's things?
Me: Umm, I'm sorry do I know you?
Alhambra beer: It's me, Alhambra!
Me: Oh! Of course. Sorry, I didn't recognise you. You seem different?
Alhambra beer: Yes I'm bigger, I'm 1 litre now.
Me: Great!
Ruiz Galan supermarket: And you know what the great thing is? It's only €1.
Me: I wonder how many of these I can carry...