No Brainer

Yesterday was Friday, which meant the usual argument at lunch time. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

My stomach: Hey it's lunchtime, let's go and get something to eat.
Me: OK. I'll get my coat...
...
Sandwich shop: Hey, good to see you. Can I interest you in a nice sandwich? Or maybe a salad?
Me: Hmm, well I am hungry and ...
Pub: A salad? Pffft. Come on, it's Friday. Have a pint.
Me: I guess I ...
Sandwich shop: Tut tut, beer without food? That can't be good for you. Have a nice ham and mayo sandwich instead.
Pub: Whatever. Guinness is a meal in a glass, so they say. So why not have a couple of meals? That's more than enough, surely?
Me: I've heard that too, so it must be true. Go on then, I'll...
Sandwich shop: Do the words 'spicy chicken wrap' mean anything?
Me: Oh now that's tempting. I do like those.
Pub: Yeah but you have those any time. This is FRIDAY LUNCHTIME man.
Me: That's the most convincing argument. Go on then.
My stomach: I agree, but at least have a packet of scampi fries.
Pub: An excellent choice.
Sandwich shop: Hmm. Now you mention it, it's been a busy morning and I could do with a pint...

The First Rule of Bite Club is...

While I was walking down the street to work today, I encountered a little chap I never expected to have a chat with. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Dog: Woof! Woof!
Me: What?
Dog: I said, "Woof! Woof!"
Me: I heard, but I don't understand.
Dog: I'm scaring you away. Protecting my owner here. You know.
Me: Oh, I see. Well don't you think I might be a little more scared if you were, say, larger than a cat?
Dog: Erm, but I'm a dog. That's what we do.
Me: Yes, dogs do. But the first rule of being a dog, is that you need to be larger than a cat.
Dog: What rules?
Me: I've just made them up. This whole conversation is fictitious. Anyway, as I was saying...
Dog: So hang on, what other rules are there then?
Me: That brings me neatly onto my other point actually. You say that's your owner?
Dog: Yes, certainly. I'd do anything to protect her.
Me: Well why is she carrying you?
Dog: What?
Me: She's carrying you. Can't you walk on your own?
Dog: Of course I can, it's just ... I need to ... sometimes it's ... look, shut up ok?
Me: That's rule number two. You have to be able walk on your own.
Dog: I've had enough of this.
Me: Me too, I'm going. I've got work to do. Don't run after me will you?
Dog: Yeah whatever. Jerk.

Got Milk?

Moving to a new country or even city can present plenty of communication problems, but even when you think you're getting the grip of the local language, some situations can still throw you off balance.

I've broken the 'made up conversations' rule already because this exchange did actually happen, although I've embellished it somewhat. When one of the five random women standing around talking approached me, here's how it went...

Yo: Hola.
La mujer: Hola.
Yo: ¿Tienes leche?
La mujer: silencio
Yo: Erm...
La mujer: Dime.
Yo: ¿Tienes leche?
La mujer: ¿Que?
Yo: Leche. ¿Tienes?
Otra mujer: Ah, LECHE. (Como lo he dicho)
La primera mujer: Ah, vale. Toma...

At this point I didn't even check what type of milk it was (i.e. I took the risk of buying skimmed) and just paid, so I could get out of the shop and home to a well-earned cup of tea.

Now, you might suggest that maybe my pronounciation isn't up to scratch but I've since been told it's fine, so I have no idea what it was all about.

p.s. If you trust my Spanish translation, here it is in English:

Me: Hi.
Woman: Hi.
Me: Do you have any milk please?
Woman: silence
Me: Erm...
Woman: Tell me what you want.
Me: Do you have milk?
Woman: What?
Me: Milk. Do you have any?
Another woman: Ah, MILK. (How I said it)
First woman: Ah, ok. Here you go...

Antisocial Networking

I just set up a wifi network at home to get some stuff onto my work laptop when I didn't have a USB stick available. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Me : Hi Mac, I'd like to start a wifi network please.
Mac : Okay, no problem, what do you want to call it?
Me : Call it ... Netto please. Can you enable FTP please as well?
Mac : Ok, all done. Your IP address is 192.168.1.123.
Me : Cheers. Ok Vista I've got this new wifi network called Netto, can you connect to it please?
Vista : Erm, you know it's not secured right?
Me : Yeah, it's fine.
Vista : But anything could happen if you're transmitting data without security.
Me : Listen it's ok, now if I could just connect to it please?
Vista : Well, ok if you really must. Hey look, I just connected to a new network! Aren't I good! It's name is Netto.
Me : Erm, ok. Now can you FTP some files from this IP address please?
Vista : Ok no problem. Just let me start FTP for you... Oh whoah, stop stop stop! I've just stopped a program from going through the firewall. Aren't I good! It's name is 'FTP'.
Me : But I just started that.
Vista : Sure?
Me : Yes, just a second ago.
Vista : Ok, if you're sure. But I'll need the admin password to continue and ...
Me : You know what, forget it. FORGET IT!

This isn't just casual Vista-bashing by the way, I just happen to have it installed on my work laptop.

Start the Ball Rolling

Me: Okay, this is how things are going to be on here.
You: Great, I'm really looking forward to your witty and insightful posts.
Me: Naturally.
You: What type of things will you be posting about?
Me: Anything I can think of which amuses me enough to write. Usually it will be semi-real situations made up as conversations.
You: So will you be posting every day?
Me: At first, but then I'll probably lose interest a bit. Or I might be in the pub and forget or something. Oh but I'll still be posting of course.
You: Good good. So when can I expect the first proper post?
Me: Soon...