Episode IV: A New Hope

For cost and simplicity reasons, I finally decided to get myself a Spanish mobile phone contract. My existing UK contract is pretty good, considering I use it mainly abroad but, as politicians enjoy repeating ad nauseum, it was time for change.

This wasn't a simple process. Although this is based on facts, here's how the conversation didn't go...

Me: Hi Telefonica, I'd like a phone please.
Telefonica: Great. Have you got your bank details and official foreigner certificate?
Me: Yep, I've got those. I already have a contract with you remember, for the USB 3G stick.
Telefonica: Oh right yeah, of course. Well, which phone would you like?
Me: I quite like this one.
Telefonica: Good choice. Well, let's get your details entered into the computer then shall we?
Me: Good stuff.
Telefonica: OK... that's the first lot done and ... next, that's OK now ... oh wait a second.
Me: What?
Telefonica: Computer says no.
Me: Oh really? Does it say why?
Telefonica: No it doesn't tell me, you need to call Telefonica.
Me: But you're Telefonica.
Telefonica: Yes but we're just the shop, you need to call the head office. They'll sort you out.
...
Me: Hi Telefonica, I was told by Telefonica that I need to call you? I can't have a new mobile for some reason.
Telefonica: OK just bear with me a sec... yes it looks like you need to give us a returnable deposit for the handset, in case you run away.
Me: Fair enough. You could have told me in the shop...
...
Me: Right. I've called Telefonica and sorted that out and transferred the deposit this morning. I use the same bank as you, so it'll be in your account now.
Telefonica: That may be so, but it takes us 48 hours to process. Come back on Wednesday.
...
Me: Right. It's Wednesday. Can I have my phone please?
Telefonica: Certainly, just let me enter your details into the ... oh heck.
Me: WHAT? What's wrong now?
Telefonica: The computer's not working.
Me: Oh for...
Telefonica: Hey there's no need for that kind of language. I can call Telefonica and sort it out that way.
...
Telefonica: OK that's all done, here's your phone.
Me: Finally. Thanks!

Black Laptop, White Noise

Just before settling to another episode of Fringe this evening, I had another little chat with my work laptop due to the fact that my regular MacBook was at somebody else's house. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Me: Hey Vista, do you fancy watching another episode of Fringe?
Vista: Yeah great, I can't wait to see what Walter is up to this time.
Me: Good stuff, just let me get my headphones...
...
Me: Ok here we go, I'll just plug these ... in ... here, there we go.
Vista: Ssssssssssssssss
Me: What?
Vista: I said, "Ssssssssssssssss"
Me: That's what I thought you said. What's that supposed to mean?
Vista: Well, duh. You've just plugged the headphones in, so that must mean you want to hear something through them?
Me: Yes, but not just that static hissing noise.
Vista: But we haven't started watching Fringe yet, so there's no other noise. I thought you might like to hear "Ssssssssssssssss" instead? No?
Me: Why would I ... oh, you know what - forget it. I'm going to sleep...

Antisocial Networking

I just set up a wifi network at home to get some stuff onto my work laptop when I didn't have a USB stick available. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Me : Hi Mac, I'd like to start a wifi network please.
Mac : Okay, no problem, what do you want to call it?
Me : Call it ... Netto please. Can you enable FTP please as well?
Mac : Ok, all done. Your IP address is 192.168.1.123.
Me : Cheers. Ok Vista I've got this new wifi network called Netto, can you connect to it please?
Vista : Erm, you know it's not secured right?
Me : Yeah, it's fine.
Vista : But anything could happen if you're transmitting data without security.
Me : Listen it's ok, now if I could just connect to it please?
Vista : Well, ok if you really must. Hey look, I just connected to a new network! Aren't I good! It's name is Netto.
Me : Erm, ok. Now can you FTP some files from this IP address please?
Vista : Ok no problem. Just let me start FTP for you... Oh whoah, stop stop stop! I've just stopped a program from going through the firewall. Aren't I good! It's name is 'FTP'.
Me : But I just started that.
Vista : Sure?
Me : Yes, just a second ago.
Vista : Ok, if you're sure. But I'll need the admin password to continue and ...
Me : You know what, forget it. FORGET IT!

This isn't just casual Vista-bashing by the way, I just happen to have it installed on my work laptop.