Out of Order

As is normal during my working day, mainly due to the copious amount of tea that I drink, this afternoon I found myself needing to answer the call of nature. So off I went to the toilet as normal, however all was not as it should have been. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Sign: Sorry, these toilets are out of order.
Me: That's well out of order.
Sign: That joke is out of order.

Bed Head

Today was my first day back at work after a four day weekend break for Easter. As you can imagine, it was pretty tricky getting up at 'normal' time after several days of getting up when I felt like it. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Alarm Clock: HEY! WAKE UP!
Me: Ufff, do I have to?
Alarm Clock: OK 5 more minutes.
...
Alarm Clock: HEY! WAKE UP!
Me: Ufff, just 5 more minutes?
Alarm Clock: Alright, but no more.
...
Alarm Clock: HEY! WAKE UP!
Me: OK OK, I'm getting up.
Bed: Where do you think you're going?
Me: It's time to get up.
Bed: I don't think so mister. You've only been here 8 hours.
Me: Well, it is quite comfortable here.
Bed: Good thinking. Why do you even need to get up at all?
Me: What?
Bed: I mean, you're looking a bit ... 'ill', if you get me?
Me: I can't, I ... erm
Alarm Clock: No, you definitely can't do that. And besides, don't you think it will look suspicious if you call in sick the first day back after the holidays?
Me: He's got a point.
Bed: Whatever. OK go to work, see if I care. But don't complain to me when you're tired later.
Me: Don't be like that. Anyway, I'm getting up. I'll see you later?
Bed: [grumbles]
Me: What was that?
Bed: I said "have a nice day at work."
Me: Actually ... Maybe I'll just wait for this song to finish playing, then I'll get up...

A Hard Day's Fight

Today was the last holiday day of easter and my last chance to some housework in daylight hours, until next weekend. As you can imagine, I was somewhat lacking in enthusiasm. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Me: Right, it's a nice day. I'm going to get some of these jobs done.
Laundry Basket: Ooh, me first. It's getting a bit full in here you know. Socks don't wash themselves.
Floor: Don't forget me! I'm covered in dust. You always forget about that.
My Good Conscience: It's true, you do forget. Put the washing on, give the floor a once over with the mop and then it's all done.
My Bad Conscience: Or how about you don't do any of it? It's still early, you can go back to bed for a bit.
Me: That's a good point, it is only 10am and I have the rest of the day.
Bathroom Sink: But make sure you leave plenty of time to clean in here, OK?
Me: I will, you only take 5 minutes.
My Bad Conscience: That means you still have time for a kip. Or a beer..
Me: Hmm, beer you say?
My Bad Conscience: Yes, there's one bottle left in the fridge. Drink that, then you can take the rubbish out or clean the fridge or whatever. Or not.
My Good Conscience: Erm, excuse me? What's all this talk of beer?
Me: He presents a very valid argument. I'm fairly sure that a beer will help me with this work too.
Kitchen Worktop: Well, if you're in here for a beer then you can clean all these flamin' crumbs up. I don't even like cookies.
Me: I said I'd clean it up, alright? It was only last night that I made that mess.
Kitchen Worktop: And did beer have anything to do with that?
Me: Maybe. I was a bit ... Look, I shouldn't have to explain myself to you lot. In fact, yes. I'm going to have this beer.
My Bad Conscience: He he.
My Good Conscience: Go on then. In fact, I think there are some more in the cupboard, let's get those chilling in the fridge...