Coke Head

During a stop-over in the UK on my way to Poland, I was killing time in a pub. A British pub, supposedly renowned for their friendliness. I overheard a distinctly unfriendly exchange.

Sadly it's more than vaguely reminiscent of the truth, but here's how the conversation didn't go...

Bloke: Hi I'm just passing on a bike ride and I wondered if I could have a Coke please?
Barmaid: Sure no problem. It's Pepsi, is that OK?
Bloke: Yeah. Oh, but could I have it in this plastic sports bottle please? Then I can drink it while I ride?
Barmaid: Erm, what?
Bloke: I said, could I have it in this bottle please? For my bike?
Barmaid: I thought that's what you said. That's a very strange request, I'm going to have to check with my manager.
...
Manager: Hi there, what seems to be the problem?
Bloke: Well, I just asked for Coke and ...
Barmaid: ... and then he asked if he could take it away in his plastic bottle. In broad daylight.
Manager: He did what? Well you did right to call me. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave, sir.
Bloke: But I...
Manager: You're lucky I don't call the police.
Bloke: Are you...
Manager: Go on, get out. It's people like you that have got this country into the state it's in.

Don Limpio

While doing some housework the other day, I ran into an age-old problem, solved it and caused another.

Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Me: Well, that's the beds made. Let's see if the washing has finished...
Washing Machine: Yes it has. However I'm afraid that washing your whites and reds together was not a very good idea.
Me: Oh nuts.
Washing Machine: Indeed. Good luck wearing that pink shirt to work!
Me: Very helpful. OK let me see... ah here we are. Hello there!
Bleach: Hi! Long time no see. What's up?
Me: I've pinked my white clothes.
Bleach: Uh oh. No problem, let's have a go...
...
Bleach: There you go, all fixed.
Me: Wow, thanks Bleach!
Bleach: Any time.
Me: Erm hang on a sec. This green shirt that I'm wearing now has bleached yellow spots on it.
Bleach: Yeah, and? You wanted your clothes bleached didn't you?
Me: Yeah, but not this one I'm wearing.
Bleach: You should have said so.
Me: I would have thought that was obvious.
Bleach: I would have thought that not mixing reds and whites was obvious.
Me: Touché.

Sevi-yawn?

On a recent trip to Sevilla, I got chatting to a barman who appeared to be familiar with Welsh naming conventions.

Here's how the conversation didn't go (the original was in Spanish, so it's true!)...

Barman: So where are you from then?
Me: North Wales, in the UK.
Barman: Ah nice, my nephew goes to university in Cardiff.
Me: Good choice! That's in the south though.
Barman: I see. So if you're from Wales, your name must be Jones then?
Me: Ha ha, close! It's Williams.
Barman: Ha ha. Do you want another beer?
Me: Of course...