Coke Head

During a stop-over in the UK on my way to Poland, I was killing time in a pub. A British pub, supposedly renowned for their friendliness. I overheard a distinctly unfriendly exchange.

Sadly it's more than vaguely reminiscent of the truth, but here's how the conversation didn't go...

Bloke: Hi I'm just passing on a bike ride and I wondered if I could have a Coke please?
Barmaid: Sure no problem. It's Pepsi, is that OK?
Bloke: Yeah. Oh, but could I have it in this plastic sports bottle please? Then I can drink it while I ride?
Barmaid: Erm, what?
Bloke: I said, could I have it in this bottle please? For my bike?
Barmaid: I thought that's what you said. That's a very strange request, I'm going to have to check with my manager.
...
Manager: Hi there, what seems to be the problem?
Bloke: Well, I just asked for Coke and ...
Barmaid: ... and then he asked if he could take it away in his plastic bottle. In broad daylight.
Manager: He did what? Well you did right to call me. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave, sir.
Bloke: But I...
Manager: You're lucky I don't call the police.
Bloke: Are you...
Manager: Go on, get out. It's people like you that have got this country into the state it's in.

No Brainer

Yesterday was Friday, which meant the usual argument at lunch time. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

My stomach: Hey it's lunchtime, let's go and get something to eat.
Me: OK. I'll get my coat...
...
Sandwich shop: Hey, good to see you. Can I interest you in a nice sandwich? Or maybe a salad?
Me: Hmm, well I am hungry and ...
Pub: A salad? Pffft. Come on, it's Friday. Have a pint.
Me: I guess I ...
Sandwich shop: Tut tut, beer without food? That can't be good for you. Have a nice ham and mayo sandwich instead.
Pub: Whatever. Guinness is a meal in a glass, so they say. So why not have a couple of meals? That's more than enough, surely?
Me: I've heard that too, so it must be true. Go on then, I'll...
Sandwich shop: Do the words 'spicy chicken wrap' mean anything?
Me: Oh now that's tempting. I do like those.
Pub: Yeah but you have those any time. This is FRIDAY LUNCHTIME man.
Me: That's the most convincing argument. Go on then.
My stomach: I agree, but at least have a packet of scampi fries.
Pub: An excellent choice.
Sandwich shop: Hmm. Now you mention it, it's been a busy morning and I could do with a pint...