Coke Head

During a stop-over in the UK on my way to Poland, I was killing time in a pub. A British pub, supposedly renowned for their friendliness. I overheard a distinctly unfriendly exchange.

Sadly it's more than vaguely reminiscent of the truth, but here's how the conversation didn't go...

Bloke: Hi I'm just passing on a bike ride and I wondered if I could have a Coke please?
Barmaid: Sure no problem. It's Pepsi, is that OK?
Bloke: Yeah. Oh, but could I have it in this plastic sports bottle please? Then I can drink it while I ride?
Barmaid: Erm, what?
Bloke: I said, could I have it in this bottle please? For my bike?
Barmaid: I thought that's what you said. That's a very strange request, I'm going to have to check with my manager.
...
Manager: Hi there, what seems to be the problem?
Bloke: Well, I just asked for Coke and ...
Barmaid: ... and then he asked if he could take it away in his plastic bottle. In broad daylight.
Manager: He did what? Well you did right to call me. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave, sir.
Bloke: But I...
Manager: You're lucky I don't call the police.
Bloke: Are you...
Manager: Go on, get out. It's people like you that have got this country into the state it's in.

Don Limpio

While doing some housework the other day, I ran into an age-old problem, solved it and caused another.

Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Me: Well, that's the beds made. Let's see if the washing has finished...
Washing Machine: Yes it has. However I'm afraid that washing your whites and reds together was not a very good idea.
Me: Oh nuts.
Washing Machine: Indeed. Good luck wearing that pink shirt to work!
Me: Very helpful. OK let me see... ah here we are. Hello there!
Bleach: Hi! Long time no see. What's up?
Me: I've pinked my white clothes.
Bleach: Uh oh. No problem, let's have a go...
...
Bleach: There you go, all fixed.
Me: Wow, thanks Bleach!
Bleach: Any time.
Me: Erm hang on a sec. This green shirt that I'm wearing now has bleached yellow spots on it.
Bleach: Yeah, and? You wanted your clothes bleached didn't you?
Me: Yeah, but not this one I'm wearing.
Bleach: You should have said so.
Me: I would have thought that was obvious.
Bleach: I would have thought that not mixing reds and whites was obvious.
Me: Touché.

Sevi-yawn?

On a recent trip to Sevilla, I got chatting to a barman who appeared to be familiar with Welsh naming conventions.

Here's how the conversation didn't go (the original was in Spanish, so it's true!)...

Barman: So where are you from then?
Me: North Wales, in the UK.
Barman: Ah nice, my nephew goes to university in Cardiff.
Me: Good choice! That's in the south though.
Barman: I see. So if you're from Wales, your name must be Jones then?
Me: Ha ha, close! It's Williams.
Barman: Ha ha. Do you want another beer?
Me: Of course...

Pal Pays

I was recently the victim of an attack on my Skype account and found that I had suffered financial loss as a result.

Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Filthy Miscreant: He he, I've taken over your Skype account. I'm going to make some calls to Israel and Jordan. And I notice it's linked to your PayPal account. I think I'll be topping up the credit too. Ta very much!
Me: Ooh you blighter. How do you know Jordan?
Filthy Miscreant: Very funny. I mean the country, of course.
Skype: Hey what's going on here? This account looks like it's been hacked, I think we'll be freezing it.
Filthy Miscreant: Awww.
Me: Thanks Skype.
Skype: No problem.
Me: So, can I have that money back please? It's about 50 quid.
Skype: 62 quid and 71 pence actually. But no, not unless you start a criminal investigation with your local police.
Me: I sincerely doubt that they would take that seriously.
Skype: Well, it's your choice. Sorry.
...
Me: Hey PayPal, my Skype account got broken into and I had money stolen. I'm going to ask my bank to back-charge those payments because...
PayPal: Whoah whoah whoah, ok. We don't want any back-charges thanks very much! We'll sort it out with Skype.
...
Skype: OK, here's your money. Be more careful in future.
Me: I was, I have a good password. But anyway, thanks!

A Little Less Conversation ... Please

Once again I'm going to break from convention and post a semi-real event. (Sometimes real conversations are more amusing than made-up ones.) On a recent trip back to the UK, I overheard a rather amusing misunderstanding in a book shop.

Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Customer: Excuse me.
Staff Member: I'll be with you in a second, I'm just serving this customer...
Customer: But I...
Staff Member:: Sorry madam, I just need to give this man his change and I'll be with you.
...
Staff Member: OK sorry about that. Now, how can I help?
Customer: Erm, do you have customer toilets?
Staff Member: Just bear with me a second, I'll find out for you.
...
Staff Member: I don't think we do sorry.
Customer: Oh never mind then, I'll try somewhere else. Thank you.
Staff Member: Oh but just a second, do you know the author's name?
Customer: Erm, I don't understand?
Staff Member: I mean, if you know the author's name then I can search that way? Maybe the author or the publisher?
Supervisor: If I can interrupt here, I think I can help. Customer Toilets is not a book, Jonathan. I think this lady needs the loo. Yes madam we do have a toilet, it's just round that corner past the language section.

Long Time No See

You: Hey why haven't you published any posts for a long time? I'm sure I speak on behalf of all your loyal readers when I say we really enjoy the posts. In fact, I'd say this has been your most prolific work yet.
Me: Oh gosh, you're making me blush! Anyway, I've been on a month-long sabbatical, taking time out to concentrate on a few things and so on. But don't worry, it's given me a lot of material to post here so you can rest assured that very soon you will once again be reading this high quality material on a more frequent basis.

Real Or No Real?

I very rarely remember my dreams, whatever that says about my psychological state. However I vividly remembered the one I had last night.

Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Noel Edmonds: So, which box are you going to open first?
Me: Hmmm, number ... 5, please Noel.
Noel Edmonds: Ooh an interesting choice.
Me: Not really, it was random.
Noel Edmonds: Good, good. A sensible early strategy.
Me: What do you mean, 'strategy'?
Noel Edmonds: You must have a strategy? Anyway let's see what that box contained...
Carol: 50p Noel.
Noel Edmonds: Thanks Carol. Oh excellent, very well played. Which box do you want next?
Me: Well played what? I just chose at random. But ok, next I will have...
Noel Edmonds: Let's find out after these adverts!
...
Noel Edmonds: So, you had a good opening game there. Very similar technique to Ken from Swindon a few weeks ago.
Me: I haven't got a technique, it's all just chance.
Noel Edmonds: No, it's ... look, just pick another bloody box will you.
Me: I was going to, before the adverts. I'll have 12.
Noel Edmonds: Right, so number 12. Adrian, please tell us what's...
Me: Then 8, then 1, then 13. And 7.
Noel Edmonds: What? No, you can't...
Me: Then 6.
Noel Edmonds: You're not supposed to...
Me: Then I'll choose to deal when the banker calls, and I'll take my cheque thanks very much.
Noel Edmonds: If you're going to be like that, you can get off my show. Go on...
Me: What, you're barring me from Deal Or No Deal? Ha ha, that's one to tell the lads in the pub...
Noel Edmonds: Go on, GET OUT!
Me: Box number 84 please Noel!

Old Boiler

For once I woke up early today, so I didn't have to rush round in the morning before leaving the house. However, as I was soon to discover, I could just as well have slept some more.

Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Me: Well, time to get up. I'll go and have a shower first then have a cup of tea.
Hot Water Boiler: I don't think so mate.
Me: What?
Hot Water Boiler: I said, I don't think so. You won't be having a shower today. Unless you like cold water! Ha ha.
Me: Oh you're kidding.
Hot Water Boiler: I most definitely am not kidding. Heh heh.
Me: Great. Thanks a lot.
Hot Water Boiler: Yeah, well you should have checked your gas bottle shouldn't you?
Me: There's no indicator on it. And besides, it usually lasts 6 weeks. I reckon I've got another week yet. I'll try shaking the bottle...
Hot Water Boiler: Yes, because that always works doesn't it? Anyway, if you didn't waste so much gas by having showers and boiling eggs or whatever, you'd still have plenty left.
Me: What, if I didn't use any gas, you mean?
Hot Water Boiler: It's the best way to make it last!
Me: That's very constructive. Looks like I'd better fill the kettle...

(Election) Night Fever

It was difficult to find any news about this subject, but I have been led to believe that various election campaings are currently underway in the UK, culminating in some intense swingometer analysis on 6th May. I can just imagine the various exchanges in the nations debating houses (pubs).

Here's how the conversations aren't going (but aren't far off)...

Man in the Pub: I'll tell you this for free - it won't make any difference who gets in, the next lot'll be just the same.
Everybody Else: Why would I pay for your opinion anyway?
Man in the Pub: Look, all I'm saying is... oh hey look, some canvassers.
Red Man: We're the party of change. Vote for change.
Blue Man: We're the party of change. Vote for change.
Yellow Man: We're the party of change. Vote for change.
Man in the Pub: But what if I don't want things to change?
Any Elected Government: Get back to your work, prole.

Paraffin Lamp .com

Whilst out and about today I saw a chap who could, if you were the judgemental type, be described as 'looking like a tramp'. However he had something in his possession which you wouldn't normally expect.

Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Man: Excuse me, you couldn't credit my PayPal account with 10p for a cup of tea could you mate?
Me: What?
Man: I've been on the road a few days now, I just need some change to put towards a cup of tea.
Me: Is that... is that a laptop?
Man: Well, a netbook, but yes. What of it?
Me: Don't use that word 'netbook' please. Is that a USB 3G stick too?
Man: Obviously. How else would I check my balance? Are you going to credit my PayPal account or what?
Me: Even if I do, how on earth are you going to buy this 'cup of tea'? If that's what you're really after.
Man: It is actually, I'm parched. I just need 10p more then I can order online with Starbucks. They deliver to this area, pretty quickly usually. You should try it.
Me: Tramps were different in my day.
Man: Erm, if you don't mind, we like to be called 'gentlemen of reduced residential status'.
Me: Honestly, I...
Man: Sorry, I've got to go. I have a Skype call coming in ...

Mynydd neu Bryn

Over the weekend I helped a friend of mine with her learning of the English language, by watching a film. Since the film was mostly dialogue anyway, I have bravely taken it upon myself to summarise it.

Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Hugh Grant: Erm, err... gosh, we've come to err... measure your hill here.
Barman: Brilliant, but it's a mountain rather than a hill. Us Welsh people value our mountains quite dearly.
Hugh Grant: Well err, erm... let's see about that shall we.
The Other Cartographer: If it's over 1,000 feet then it's a mountain. Let's go and measure it.
...
Hugh Grant: Erm, err... gosh, it's a ... hill.
The Priest: A hill?
The Other Cartographer: Yes. So we're off.
...
All The Villagers: We've put a load of mud on top of the hill, thus making it higher than 1000 feet.
Hugh Grant: Erm, gosh... turns out you're right.
Mandatory Love Interest: Great. Let's get married.
The Priest: Don't spoil the plot now, will you?
All The Villagers: Well the outcome is implicit in the title, but we didn't tell everything now, did we?
The Priest: Fair enough.

Episode IV: A New Hope

For cost and simplicity reasons, I finally decided to get myself a Spanish mobile phone contract. My existing UK contract is pretty good, considering I use it mainly abroad but, as politicians enjoy repeating ad nauseum, it was time for change.

This wasn't a simple process. Although this is based on facts, here's how the conversation didn't go...

Me: Hi Telefonica, I'd like a phone please.
Telefonica: Great. Have you got your bank details and official foreigner certificate?
Me: Yep, I've got those. I already have a contract with you remember, for the USB 3G stick.
Telefonica: Oh right yeah, of course. Well, which phone would you like?
Me: I quite like this one.
Telefonica: Good choice. Well, let's get your details entered into the computer then shall we?
Me: Good stuff.
Telefonica: OK... that's the first lot done and ... next, that's OK now ... oh wait a second.
Me: What?
Telefonica: Computer says no.
Me: Oh really? Does it say why?
Telefonica: No it doesn't tell me, you need to call Telefonica.
Me: But you're Telefonica.
Telefonica: Yes but we're just the shop, you need to call the head office. They'll sort you out.
...
Me: Hi Telefonica, I was told by Telefonica that I need to call you? I can't have a new mobile for some reason.
Telefonica: OK just bear with me a sec... yes it looks like you need to give us a returnable deposit for the handset, in case you run away.
Me: Fair enough. You could have told me in the shop...
...
Me: Right. I've called Telefonica and sorted that out and transferred the deposit this morning. I use the same bank as you, so it'll be in your account now.
Telefonica: That may be so, but it takes us 48 hours to process. Come back on Wednesday.
...
Me: Right. It's Wednesday. Can I have my phone please?
Telefonica: Certainly, just let me enter your details into the ... oh heck.
Me: WHAT? What's wrong now?
Telefonica: The computer's not working.
Me: Oh for...
Telefonica: Hey there's no need for that kind of language. I can call Telefonica and sort it out that way.
...
Telefonica: OK that's all done, here's your phone.
Me: Finally. Thanks!

Out of Order

As is normal during my working day, mainly due to the copious amount of tea that I drink, this afternoon I found myself needing to answer the call of nature. So off I went to the toilet as normal, however all was not as it should have been. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Sign: Sorry, these toilets are out of order.
Me: That's well out of order.
Sign: That joke is out of order.

Bed Head

Today was my first day back at work after a four day weekend break for Easter. As you can imagine, it was pretty tricky getting up at 'normal' time after several days of getting up when I felt like it. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Alarm Clock: HEY! WAKE UP!
Me: Ufff, do I have to?
Alarm Clock: OK 5 more minutes.
...
Alarm Clock: HEY! WAKE UP!
Me: Ufff, just 5 more minutes?
Alarm Clock: Alright, but no more.
...
Alarm Clock: HEY! WAKE UP!
Me: OK OK, I'm getting up.
Bed: Where do you think you're going?
Me: It's time to get up.
Bed: I don't think so mister. You've only been here 8 hours.
Me: Well, it is quite comfortable here.
Bed: Good thinking. Why do you even need to get up at all?
Me: What?
Bed: I mean, you're looking a bit ... 'ill', if you get me?
Me: I can't, I ... erm
Alarm Clock: No, you definitely can't do that. And besides, don't you think it will look suspicious if you call in sick the first day back after the holidays?
Me: He's got a point.
Bed: Whatever. OK go to work, see if I care. But don't complain to me when you're tired later.
Me: Don't be like that. Anyway, I'm getting up. I'll see you later?
Bed: [grumbles]
Me: What was that?
Bed: I said "have a nice day at work."
Me: Actually ... Maybe I'll just wait for this song to finish playing, then I'll get up...

A Hard Day's Fight

Today was the last holiday day of easter and my last chance to some housework in daylight hours, until next weekend. As you can imagine, I was somewhat lacking in enthusiasm. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Me: Right, it's a nice day. I'm going to get some of these jobs done.
Laundry Basket: Ooh, me first. It's getting a bit full in here you know. Socks don't wash themselves.
Floor: Don't forget me! I'm covered in dust. You always forget about that.
My Good Conscience: It's true, you do forget. Put the washing on, give the floor a once over with the mop and then it's all done.
My Bad Conscience: Or how about you don't do any of it? It's still early, you can go back to bed for a bit.
Me: That's a good point, it is only 10am and I have the rest of the day.
Bathroom Sink: But make sure you leave plenty of time to clean in here, OK?
Me: I will, you only take 5 minutes.
My Bad Conscience: That means you still have time for a kip. Or a beer..
Me: Hmm, beer you say?
My Bad Conscience: Yes, there's one bottle left in the fridge. Drink that, then you can take the rubbish out or clean the fridge or whatever. Or not.
My Good Conscience: Erm, excuse me? What's all this talk of beer?
Me: He presents a very valid argument. I'm fairly sure that a beer will help me with this work too.
Kitchen Worktop: Well, if you're in here for a beer then you can clean all these flamin' crumbs up. I don't even like cookies.
Me: I said I'd clean it up, alright? It was only last night that I made that mess.
Kitchen Worktop: And did beer have anything to do with that?
Me: Maybe. I was a bit ... Look, I shouldn't have to explain myself to you lot. In fact, yes. I'm going to have this beer.
My Bad Conscience: He he.
My Good Conscience: Go on then. In fact, I think there are some more in the cupboard, let's get those chilling in the fridge...

Black Laptop, White Noise

Just before settling to another episode of Fringe this evening, I had another little chat with my work laptop due to the fact that my regular MacBook was at somebody else's house. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Me: Hey Vista, do you fancy watching another episode of Fringe?
Vista: Yeah great, I can't wait to see what Walter is up to this time.
Me: Good stuff, just let me get my headphones...
...
Me: Ok here we go, I'll just plug these ... in ... here, there we go.
Vista: Ssssssssssssssss
Me: What?
Vista: I said, "Ssssssssssssssss"
Me: That's what I thought you said. What's that supposed to mean?
Vista: Well, duh. You've just plugged the headphones in, so that must mean you want to hear something through them?
Me: Yes, but not just that static hissing noise.
Vista: But we haven't started watching Fringe yet, so there's no other noise. I thought you might like to hear "Ssssssssssssssss" instead? No?
Me: Why would I ... oh, you know what - forget it. I'm going to sleep...

Easter

Spring has sprung, the clocks have changed and it's time for Easter. Since this is my first Easter in another country, I thought I'd ask somebody about some of the cultural differences that I might expect to find. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Me: Great, it's Easter! That means chocolate and shopping, right?
Spain: No way, those are UK 'traditions'. It's different here.
Me: So I won't get any chocolate on Sunday?
Spain: Listen. You may have noticed that all week, there have been plenty of processions with huge floats? Well each local church here has their own procession and you can see them going around the streets each evening. It's important to us here so people put a lot of effort into it.
Me: Ah yes I did see them actually, they were quite something. The ones last night were very impressive.
Spain: Indeed. And did you see all the people in pointy hats?
Me: The ones carrying candles? Yeah they were great too. Do they give out the chocolate?
Spain: Of course not. Why don't you go and check out some more processions this evening?
Me: I think I will. But when do I get my chocolate?
Spain: I give up.

New Place, Old Face

Yesterday I discovered a new place and bumped into an old friend at the same time. We had a lot of catching up to do. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Me: Hmm, I haven't seen this place before. I wonder what's in there.
Ruiz Galan supermarket: Why don't you come inside and take a look? You'll find all your usual things that you like.
Me: Yes I think I will take a look.
...
Alhambra beer: Hey, how's things?
Me: Umm, I'm sorry do I know you?
Alhambra beer: It's me, Alhambra!
Me: Oh! Of course. Sorry, I didn't recognise you. You seem different?
Alhambra beer: Yes I'm bigger, I'm 1 litre now.
Me: Great!
Ruiz Galan supermarket: And you know what the great thing is? It's only €1.
Me: I wonder how many of these I can carry...

No Brainer

Yesterday was Friday, which meant the usual argument at lunch time. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

My stomach: Hey it's lunchtime, let's go and get something to eat.
Me: OK. I'll get my coat...
...
Sandwich shop: Hey, good to see you. Can I interest you in a nice sandwich? Or maybe a salad?
Me: Hmm, well I am hungry and ...
Pub: A salad? Pffft. Come on, it's Friday. Have a pint.
Me: I guess I ...
Sandwich shop: Tut tut, beer without food? That can't be good for you. Have a nice ham and mayo sandwich instead.
Pub: Whatever. Guinness is a meal in a glass, so they say. So why not have a couple of meals? That's more than enough, surely?
Me: I've heard that too, so it must be true. Go on then, I'll...
Sandwich shop: Do the words 'spicy chicken wrap' mean anything?
Me: Oh now that's tempting. I do like those.
Pub: Yeah but you have those any time. This is FRIDAY LUNCHTIME man.
Me: That's the most convincing argument. Go on then.
My stomach: I agree, but at least have a packet of scampi fries.
Pub: An excellent choice.
Sandwich shop: Hmm. Now you mention it, it's been a busy morning and I could do with a pint...

The First Rule of Bite Club is...

While I was walking down the street to work today, I encountered a little chap I never expected to have a chat with. Here's how the conversation didn't go...

Dog: Woof! Woof!
Me: What?
Dog: I said, "Woof! Woof!"
Me: I heard, but I don't understand.
Dog: I'm scaring you away. Protecting my owner here. You know.
Me: Oh, I see. Well don't you think I might be a little more scared if you were, say, larger than a cat?
Dog: Erm, but I'm a dog. That's what we do.
Me: Yes, dogs do. But the first rule of being a dog, is that you need to be larger than a cat.
Dog: What rules?
Me: I've just made them up. This whole conversation is fictitious. Anyway, as I was saying...
Dog: So hang on, what other rules are there then?
Me: That brings me neatly onto my other point actually. You say that's your owner?
Dog: Yes, certainly. I'd do anything to protect her.
Me: Well why is she carrying you?
Dog: What?
Me: She's carrying you. Can't you walk on your own?
Dog: Of course I can, it's just ... I need to ... sometimes it's ... look, shut up ok?
Me: That's rule number two. You have to be able walk on your own.
Dog: I've had enough of this.
Me: Me too, I'm going. I've got work to do. Don't run after me will you?
Dog: Yeah whatever. Jerk.